I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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