you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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