I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
