I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize