god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
