God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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