I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
