put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
