Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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