Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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