what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
