new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
