I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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