He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
