This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
