I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
