Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize