Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
