pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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