Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Don't make out with my wife yet
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
