He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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