All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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