ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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