I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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