At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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