Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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