I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
