i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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