What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
