My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.