i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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