Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
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This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?