At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
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Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked