I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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