WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dicks are not precious.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
