I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
