i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
