Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.