Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
