this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
