Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
