if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
