i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
either way he was missing a nipple.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
