another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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