Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
