that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Randomize
