I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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