It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
