What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
