Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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