This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
