Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize