The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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