i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
