How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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