just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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