i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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