I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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