So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have grass duct taped all over my body
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So much Jack, so little girl.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
