Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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